Rapid Teen Models 18+

It’s Mya, the ugly chic who sang the hook in Ghetto Superstar (that tasteless summer ‘hit’ from a couple years ago). Except, when I saw her in a newer video the other day she looked quite a bit hotter!

Yes, this is the singer I once described as resembling a cross between a slightly-melted Treasure Troll and a gangly 11 year old boy. Mya has once again caught my attention in her video My Love is Like Wo. Although the viddy was released almost two years ago I hadn’t seen it until recently and it starkly contrasted with what I remembered her to look like from her earlier appearances – butt ugly!

Don’t get me wrong, she is still the near-talentless showbiz droid that doesn’t write, produce or probably even sing her string of mostly forgettable tunes. Indeed, such image-based singing careers have become the hallmark for musicians of her generation. But this video had me thinking: did her looks really improve, or have I just adopted new tastes and standards since initially writing her off as too fugly in ‘99?

Other kinda-black popstars, such as Alicia Keyes and Ashanti have experienced amazing overnight success by looking incredibly hot right out of the box. Being easy on the eyes is surely the fastest path to stardom, especially in a genre like R&B where actual musical talent is on a similar level to that of rap music. But poor Mya, her hideous visage has dogged her career since her debut and as a result she has never received the same level of success or acclaim as her better-looking peers.

I’ve noticed that her production crew uses a lot of pomp and glitz to mask her squeaky attempt at vocals and her physically awkward appearance. The direction in My Love is Like Wo seems to be always focused away from her face, usually highlighting her ass, clothing accessories or strip routine. But this time, against all odds, it somehow comes together quite perfectly! The smart and tricky editing, the sole focus on the performer and the sexy costumes all showcase this girl in the best possible light.

So despite my heavy critique, I’m willing to admit that I find myself slightly more attracted to Mya. I feel like I’ve been swindled out of my senses by slick photography and buckets of makeup, for it’s obvious that Mya is no Aaliyah, but it’s also undeniable that she sports some killer dance moves and has a real stage presence.

Don’t even attempt to make sense of this post by re-reading any part. How reflecting on my feelings about an overrated R&B singer warrants a post on this illustrious blog — god only knows! Go hit up the video remix below. You’ll like it because I didn’t use her music.

Above: Mindi and Richard from Beauty and the Geek face the firing squad.

I normally don’t watch much TV. Typically I limit my viewing selection to Family Guy, South Park and the new BSG. But the other day I caught a clip of WB’s Beauty and the Geek, and holy fuck did I find myself sucked into the premise of the show! Seven geeks try to score with seven amazingly hot women, all of whom are chasing the grand prize money. It’s no wonder this show has garnered such a strong Internet following. Finally, a show that hosts contestants and events that geeks everywhere can relate to!

One girl Mindi, who just so happens to hook up with the star of the show Richard, definitely leads the pack in the looks department. Suspiciously, she also seems like the smartest of the bunch, and I bet her bimbo image is more of an act than anything else. You see, that’s what I hate about these shows: the producers will edit and coach their cast to make any wanted event an absolute certainty. They should rename the whole genre to shitty amateur acting with extemporaneous elements in a big mansion! Uh-huh.

Mindi is the smallest and daintiest of the chics, wearing a size zero dress size and barely having the strength to pull thru the camping challenge trail walk. Sometimes she looks downright famished. I’m sure upping her caloric-intake and kickin’ the nic wouldn’t hurt her frequent dizzy spells and chronic laziness. But enough silly criticism. This show is all about watching these girls squeeze into hot bikinis, tight jeans and sexy dinner gowns, while watching the nerds squirm in their seats trying not to blast a load, in their pants, on national TV.

I slapped together this video highlight clip of Mindi. I can’t really say what I was thinking at the time, but it was well past midnight and I was blazin’ the blueberry right till the final cut. Enjoy.

Above: Radar Magazine features some kickass ads.

So I rip it open to find that none other than link partner Danny Rado penned the cover story! Holy shit, and I thought he was just one of the dads of Huckapoo. Anyway, at half the price of a copy of WIRED, well, I just tossed it into my bag and walked out of the store like I owned the place. You charge me $1.20 for an Oh Henry, and I’ll be needing something to read while I’m shitting it out!

Then I’m reading an article on my way home when I stumble across words like ‘pantina‘ and, um, “emerged.” Right. So my ADD kicks in and at this point I’m basically just flipping through looking for racy pics.

The best porn in the mag comes just three pages deep. There’s a spread of a naked, foxy looking cheer-bitch, sporting a tight bum that’s half submerged in some sort of cave water. She’s giving a look like she just had the best anal sex in town. But obviously not from the guy standing opposite. The dude has the build of a 10-year old boy!

Well..to come to think about it, they both kind of look like 10 year old boys! Uhhh uh-oh.

Ok, so that was actually an ad for Calvin Klein. But I assure you the real editorial content is witty, interesting and full of memorable quotes that I’m sure to rip-off and use right here on my blog. Basically, I give Radar Magazine a 7/10 for jerkable material. It features all the hot celebs you’ve come to expect, but not so much hand-thrusting content that would make you totally ignore the great articles, confusing flow-charts and distracting asides.

Being the premiere edition, I decided to let my production team create a video preview for this special occasion. Check out the viddy below.

Above: Kerry Condon

Anyhow, by the time this movie apparently ended, I was making my fifth, no less, beer-piss trip to the washrooms, but by the chatter of the exiting moviegoers I realized that most people actually enjoyed this film!

Well, whatever. I got what I wanted.. this fucking blog post!

Kerry Condon is set to appear on HBO’s new drama, Rome. With any luck she’ll be cast as Caligula’s sister. Or some savage street whore. To fill in the wait, here’s some Kerry Condon screen caps I found from the movie Unleashed, and a saucy video clip as well.

This story plays out like some modern day Marco Polo shit.

Rosa Kato’s dad came to the land of bukkake, rope bondage and hentai on strict business, to represent his then fledgling Italian suitcase company. Like so many Europeans visiting the crowded island nation, he came down hard with a case of yellow-fever, the kind of ailment that results in visiting as many love hotels, sex shops and geisha stables as humanly possible. Wandering through Tokyo’s Kabukicho district, a haven for Japan’s seedy underworld, Rosa’s dad happened across a young geisha willing to try some Italian. Nine months later Rosa Kato was born into the world.

Disallowed from practicing geisha because of her bi-racial status, Rosa was denied her rightful inheritance of a lifetime serving sushi dick, wearing a school girl’s outfit well beyond the age of a school girl, or getting happy-slapped while hung upside-down with 2” thick bondage rope— at least within one of Japan’s covenanted house-of-fucks. Rumor has it she once participated in a 20-man bukkake, off set of NHK’s weekly foreign language TV show, which she used to co-host. But I’m not one to pass on, exaggerate, or promote such baseless, vile hearsay ;)

Rosa Kato’s reign as the Japanese ad-queen has seen her face appear in all forms of media. She currently wishes to enter the movie market in a lead role, but this stunning Italian-Japanese beauty lacks any real acting talent and has mostly appeared, thus far, in TV commercials, mindless game-shows and celebrity guest appearance events for..uhh, celebrities to celebrate their existence. Japanese model Rosa Sato is a real cutie, but apparently she also has a decent voice. She was recently signed by Sony Records and has already put out an album. I’ll cut her some slack today and end this post with a sweet video and some links.

Above: Unnamed crazy tan queen

There’s nothing quite so elegant as accelerating your skin’s age by a couple of decades, while still young in your teens. I guess it compliments the meth habit. One day this girl will be sitting on the boulevard and a pug will walk up and piss on her face. The owner will be like shit, looks like I’m not the only one who mistook you for a fire hydrant. She’ll then be like, yea it happens all the time, then the dude will be thinking, the fire hydrant or the piss in the face?

I guess if you spent every free hour getting blasted by UV lights, you’d probably start to think that everything in this world looks too white and pasty. These chics just can’t see themselves dark enough to call it quits. I’m sure some kind of gene therapy in the future will allow us to tweak our skin pigmentation, or prevent blatant retardedness. Until then, this human-waffle biz seems to be in full demand. Check out these silly bitches:

In today’s news a homebound train packed full of blind orphans barreled off of a cliff– blah blah who gives a shit, dude, check out the reporter’s giant rack!!

Sometime during the 90’s when cable TV introduced waaay too many sources for getting your daily news fix, stations started ditching their Quaker Oats, grandpa-look-a-like anchormen and replaced them with young, barely literate beauty queens. I mean, who really gives a shit anyways about war, natural disasters, or how some little bitch in China can’t do his Falun Gong. That shit’s worse than devil worshipping. What could be more informative than a low cut blouse, two slutty eyes, and a sexy voice flawlessly breaking news about mass dysentery in Bangladesh!? Sure, CNN’s face of news is looking sweeter than ever, but what’s seen abroad is so fucking hot it can barely even be compared.

Melissa Theuriau brings the evening news, like an upscale Paris call-girl, to millions of lucky French men. I can just imagine the all too common, husband-to-wife scenario each night before the broadcast: “soooo I need to watch the news in private again, it’s.. quite emotional for me.. yea I’ll be needing all that tissue paper.”

Get ready to Windex the plasma!

But back to our corner of the world, where we definitely have more hotties working in broadcast than ever before. One sexy gal that comes to mind is Maria Bartiromo, the sexy Italian-American Wall Street reporter. She kind of epitomizes the whole bold woman in a sea of tube steaks image; a tactic used by the network to retain viewers based solely on her sex appeal. Being labeled the Money Honey, even by her own people, her slutty image caused ratings to rocket during the late 90’s on her MSNBC financial news show. No doubt, Maria is a mega cutie and apparently one smart cookie. She also has one of those wide, saucer mouths with poutty lips and an arched nose, just perfect for.. errm, reporting the news.

I did my best to round up some hotty fizzle televizzle biatches below, so check em out.

Was it just me, or did 2004 suckass for Hollywood films? Aside from the hilarious Team America and the sensational Napoleon Dynamite, two films which seem to be more hated and misunderstood than appreciated, there wasn’t a whole lot to get excited about. Movies such as Ray, The Aviator, and The Aquatic Life completely failed to get me fired up. Then the other day I ran across the film Closer, an adaptation of the much heralded play by the same name. I’d like to note that I wouldn’t call this blog post a movie review, per say, more like some passive remarks for a film that I watched while stoned out of my lid.

The flick stars Clive Owen, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and Jude Law in a story about lying, cheating and fucking. It’s no wonder that lots of people don’t like or didn’t go to see this film; it’s a rough, contemporary look at realistic relationships involving: fucking around, getting caught, revenge-fucking, and living dirty with shit loads of guilt. Surely this is not your ideal date movie!

So what’s there to like about this gritty drama? Well for once, Julia Roberts shuts her gigantic mouth long enough to let the other stars get some acting in. Clive Owen and Jude Law are perverted, cunning, and superb, while Natalie Portman looks absolutely gorgeous. Time has clearly not hurt her at all; which inevitably brings me to the sweet nugget of the film: Natalie Portman’s amazing ass.

There’s a scene or two in the movie where Natalie’s busy stripping at an upscale nightclub. Wearing nothing more than a thong and skimpy top, you get more than just a glimpse of her flawless goods. Although there’s no actual nudity, I’ve never seen her so exposed, for so long. She might be a notch below in talent from her seasoned costars, but for taking on that raunchy strip scene I’m sure she became the envy of the entire cast and crew!

I can’t wait to watch this film again, sober. Check out the gallery of nasties below.

Above: Elisha Cuthbert lights it up.

Special mention to CityRag, The Superficial, and Dean’s Planet for their help in locating some of these awesome candid shots.

What is it about watching two women tittie slapping, pussy stomping and ass kicking each other around that makes for such an enjoyable, near-holy experience!? Surely our fascination with girl-on-girl violence goes beyond our contemporary pop-culture obsession with anything girl power. For our fellow sisters have been battling it out, often with shocking brutality, since the 1930’s heyday of erotic barnyard mud wrestling. It is one of the most primal struggles for a woman: to compete for the affection of the mate of her choice. That’s right guys; they’re fighting for us! Put 2-and-2 together and you have the appropriately named Smack Girl, an all-female, no-holds-barred fighting event in Japan . I would go so far as to say that female prize fighting is second only to pornography when scored for pureness of male entertainment. I slapped together this quick highlight clip from a recent Smack Girl event. It shows some of the top talent in the extreme world of professional girl fights. Watch them unleash their emotionally unstable, highly neurotic, bitch screaming fury on other, similarly insane hotties. Hopefully I can get more stuff like this in the future!