The late 80’s.. Zima and acid wash jeans were on the decline, but there was a new fad setting the standard for cool: incessant deep tanning. You had to be a solid bronze year round just to get seated, at like, a Denny’s. Nowadays this teen trend has grown worse than Von Dutch gear, pastel colored tattoos, or fugly boob jobs combined. And if you think lying on the sundeck for an afternoon bake is considered tanning, chances are you’re an Inuit bone carver reading this post at the Yellowknife public library. Hey Dave it’s me! what the hell are you up to these days? Anyway, I’m talking about the X-Games of tanning. If there was a comparable X-Game, and there isn’t, it would involve Jackie Chan leaping off of a 5-story building and landing on a folded beach towel covering a shopping cart full of empty bottles. Oddly enough, these teens are hardly tanning at all. After they peel themselves off the incinerator bed they look more like a cross between a dying hardon and Satan. These chics beam a dull-red color like my cheap bedside alarm clock, which is fitting; imagine waking up to your girlfriend’s face looking like a head of red cabbage. Well, I’d still hit it in every sun burnt hole. But somebody needs to inform her that she’s not actually Adriana Lima. You’re not a fucking mulatto.

Above: Unnamed crazy tan queen

There’s nothing quite so elegant as accelerating your skin’s age by a couple of decades, while still young in your teens. I guess it compliments the meth habit. One day this girl will be sitting on the boulevard and a pug will walk up and piss on her face. The owner will be like shit, looks like I’m not the only one who mistook you for a fire hydrant. She’ll then be like, yea it happens all the time, then the dude will be thinking, the fire hydrant or the piss in the face?

I guess if you spent every free hour getting blasted by UV lights, you’d probably start to think that everything in this world looks too white and pasty. These chics just can’t see themselves dark enough to call it quits. I’m sure some kind of gene therapy in the future will allow us to tweak our skin pigmentation, or prevent blatant retardedness. Until then, this human-waffle biz seems to be in full demand. Check out these silly bitches: